8.25.12

i woke up this morning feeling ridiculously nostalgic.
i opened up my silly youtube channel + watched video after video
 of jay + i from dating, to engaged to married, to honeymoon.
i can't get over the fact that tomorrow will be three years.
three wonderful, hard, easy, fulfilling, happy, awesome years.
+ truly, honestly, it gets better + better with everyday.

i don't have a lot of wedding pictures or memories on this blog
(i've started + ended more blogs than i care to admit)
so with tomorrow being such a special day,
i figured i deserved to post about 8.25.12.
right?
right.

jay + i were married in the sacramento LDS temple.
we are lucky enough to be from the same area,
our parents only living about 40 minutes from each other,
so that made the choice of where to get married a no brainer.

a day before jay proposed, he took me to a theatre costume shop in old town auburn.
it was actually a warehouse filled with every costume imaginable
from every time period + outfit you would ever want.
she gave us a tour + at the end, i felt like i should ask her if she had wedding dresses.
she took me to about 20 balls of white, ivory + off-white dresses + i looked through each one.
i kid you not, the last dress was this ball of lace + i decided i want to try it on.
*mind you jay, my BOYFRIEND, is still with me + probably was rethinking the whole propose to this crazy lady idea*
it fit perfectly.
this vintage, all lace dress fit me perfectly.
i asked her to put it on hold + told her i would come back in two days with my mom.
well the next day, jay proposed (super cute story too)
+ thursday we went to see "the dress."
it was long sleeved, turtle necked + had a train the length of a hallway,
but both my mom + i agree,
there was major potential.
so we bought it.
we bought my wedding dress for 80 dollars at a theatre costume shop
+ made it into my dream wedding dress.
how's that doing things on a budget?

our day was perfect.
i don't remember all the details,
thank goodness to our wonderful photographer,
Photography By Bianca
+ my wonderful bridesmaids who filmed my wedding video for me,
but i do remember it being one of the best days of my life.
i remember feeling ridiculously loved + ridiculously happy.
marriage is a lot of things, but marriage has been so good because of my spouse.
i love you jay,
happy three years to us.
i cannot wait to see what year three has in store for us.

8.25.12

march 3rd, 2016

i guess, it started father's day weekend.

my period hadn't started after a long weekend of working

+ even though i had been taking pregnancy tests all week that gave me negatives,

i decided in bed that night that i was going to surprise jay, 

with breakfast in bed + a positive test.

i even headed out to a store sunday morning, heart beating out of my chest the whole time,

to get another test because i'd used all of mine. 

i set the timer for 2 minutes, walked away + said a little prayer.

nothing.

no positive, no period, no exciting surprise, nothing.

i finished breakfast for jay, brought it to him in bed + cried.

i cried over negative tests, randomly missed periods, miscarriages, my body,

he heard it all that day.

the next morning i called my OBGYN's office to get seen because we had been monitoring my body for the last month + me missing a period was very uncommon.

they did a pregnancy test + again my hopes were raised,

then let down when she said she didn't get any signs.

we talked about how maybe because of how healthy i was eating at the time, no sugar + working out constantly, that it had an effect on what my body was doing.

i left the building crying.

i got home from a call + a message. 

"hey so i went to throw your test away + felt like i should check it again. there is a very slight positive + i don't want to get your hopes up, but something is there. we want you to come back in a week + we will test again. see you in a week!"

i woke up one week later + walked into that office, more nervous than ever. 

i waited for about 30 seconds when the nurse called me to the back.

"i didn't even wait a minute before coming to get you, the test was instantly pregnant! 
girlfriend, you are pregnant!"

of course i started crying. 

she knew my history + she hugged me + told me many of the nurses have been where i'm at
+ had been rooting for me. 

i just cried some more.

we scheduled in an ultrasound for that afternoon to make sure everything was looking okay so i could begin on progesterone.

but i was about 4-5 weeks tops + the doctor couldn't find anything.

we will keep an eye out for an ectopic pregnancy, he said. 

which left me with more questions than answers + directions on how to pick up progesterone.

+ so it began. it took until 7 weeks for me to really start to feel the effects of it,

but i was hit hard with nausea,
throwing up in the mornings + curled into a ball at night, 

but i never complained (+ i'm a complainer).

i would wipe my mouth, get more ice, or pop more tums + smile.

these were all good signs right?

+ i wasn't going to complain that the progesterone was doing it's job.

nope. i wasn't going to complain about the fact that i was growing my third baby. 

our ultrasound was on a monday.

i was 10 weeks along.

i asked the like 2 people that knew on sunday morning, to pray + fast for us.

i couldn't even make it through church i was so nervous.

i couldn't sleep that night either waking up at 2, 4, 5 and eventually just getting up at 6:30, immediately throwing up.

my hands were shaking on the way to our appointment

+ when they called us into that room where the last time we had an ultrasound we were told, no heartbeat, i felt sick.

i pulled my shirt up, said my 50th prayer that morning

+ there was my baby.

i'm crying typing this out, but our little niblet was right there!

squishing around, it's little stumpy arms + legs waving around.

i grabbed jay's hand + cried 

that's our baby! our baby.

tears just flowed as i watched that little thing bounce around + jay squeezed my hand harder.

i measured at 9 weeks, 4 days, putting my due date for march 3rd, 2016.

i cannot tell you how many times i've stared at my ultrasound,

cries always catching in the back of my throat,

+ my eye's watering.

it's making it all worth it.

the pain, the sorrow, losses of futures,

this little niblet of ours, that jumped + flipped + moved, is making it all worth it.

we've named her, or him a hundred times.

i've prayed more than that too.

the anxiety + the fear isn't gone.

it's replaced sadness + pain though.

+ at least 10 times a day i whisper to myself,

my baby is healthy, safe + alive.

i'm 12 weeks.

i can't believe it. 

i really can't.

+ i hope that everything just continues as it is, healthy, safe + alive.

next week will be my last round of progesterone.

man, am i grateful for modern medicine.

without it, i don't think i would be able to hold onto this pregnancy 

+ i try to pray thanks for that everyday.

my belly is there.

my heart is full

+ jay + i are so very happy.

ps. here is how i told jay our first time, i'm so naive + look so different in the eyes, but i think it's worth the share, how almost to the year, we starting expanding our family.

pps. here is our announcement, it's how we told our family.
huge thank you to Nicole Maxfield for taking our pictures + video,
check out her work here at Cole Maxfield Photography

pss. here are our darling pictures that she took of us too. we just love her + her skills.

march 3rd, 2016

slick creek

so it's been a pretty busy summer.

with jay in school + wedding season + all,

i've felt like we haven't really gone out + done summer right yet.

so jay worked really hard thursday to finish everything + we took off to the mountains to explore.

this overlooked a massive canyon.

the picture doesn't do it justice, but jay is actually standing on the edge of a cliff.

hundreds of sparrows flew over around us,

the river roared under us 

+ i felt like we were just floating on top of this beautiful land.

we saw no one, heard no one, no cell service 

+ it felt like no one, but us had ever stepped on those rocks.

it was pretty humbling.

we then drove on + randomly decided to pull off to the side + hike.

we had no idea where this road lead, but we felt like it would be worth it.

it was.

 it opened up into this MASSIVE field.

again, pictures didn't do it justice,

but i def ran out into it singing,

the hills are alive!

hahaha

 + this.

the water was cool enough for it to be refreshing, but it was warm too.

we think a hot spring emptied into the creek somewhere along the way.

there was a small "waterfall" that had a tiny pool.

then it evened out, making it the perfect afternoon chill spot.

the water was maybe inches deep,

even sheila could lay down in it.

it wasn't fast moving, it was lazy and perfect.

we called it slick creek.

jay kept laying down in the water.

he would slick his hair back, look at me + say, 

don't i look sooooo cool?

it made me laugh every time so this special place was dubbed,

slick creek.

this is sheila's terrified face + this picture seriously makes me laugh.

every.single.time.

she is a character. 

we would be relaxing + would try to climb into our laps, 

pawing us + licking our faces.

i'm convinced that she had just as a good time as we did.

as i sat in this creek,

no phone in hand, no distractions except jay + sheila, 

+ the only sounds were the birds, the creek + our laugher,

i looked around + thought,

it doesn't get better than this.

it was the perfect friday.

ps. sheila doesn't like to swim. at all. which is a bummer because we are always in the water! 

so we saw this place as the perfect swimming teaching opportunity.

let me tell you.

i've had an easier time teaching 1 year old's how to swim than this dog. 

oh well, we sure got a kick out of this. 

HER EYES.

hahahah it's like she is saying, 

how could you?!

oh man, the best.

slick creek