week 28

hello to 28 weeks,

third trimester.

is that crazy OR WHAT?!

to be honest, pregnancy is the strangest.

one day, you feel like the time has flow by + the next you're forgetting 

what it was like to put on socks and not have a conniption.

today feels like time is flying by. 

i've got 2 months, 21 days, 1 hour + 18 minutes until

March 3rd.

the due date.

i'm pretty bummed to be out of second trimester,
i loved it,

but i'm welcoming the coming of our son.

cheese, but seriously.

it will make third trimester worth it.

here is to 11 more weeks.

AH

how far along are you? 28 weeks exactly, according to my apps, but i have been measuring a week + a half ahead so we will see!

maternity clothes? big, phat, fabulous yes. minus some shirts.

sleep: what's that?
okay--but in all reality, why do people give the advice to sleep to first time moms? sleep is not pleasant, nor restful. i wake up multiple times every night + kill it at candy crush.
so maybe there is some benefit to the lack there of.

best moments: i found our changing table/dresser for the nursery! i'm so pumped + can't wait to show you the finished product!

missing anything? what i'm missing is petty + it was something i promised i'd never complain about--but in the hopes of remembering, i miss my smooth, non-stretchmarked skin. me, myself + i cried some big tears over that discovery. then i wiped them off + watched our babes movement under that imperfect skin + cried again.
hormones.

movement? oh yes. but i did have a little scare today. nothing that soda doesn't help fix.

food cravings: pomegranates + red icees.

queasy or sick? no, not really!

gender: boy with a name!!!!!

symtoms: tiredness during the day + restlessness during the night.

belly in or belly out? so out, it's not even funny. i'm about to tape this sucker down.

happy or moody? this last week has been pretty emotional. i've cried a lot, but please, that's nothing new for me ;)

looking forward to: CHRISTMAS

ps my talented friend, chantel, gave me a romper for christmas from her shop.

this cute thing isn't even in the closet, it's out for me to touch + hug everyday on my nightstand.

i can't wait to dress him in this ADORABLE outfit.

check out doodle + dee here

the clothes are all to die for + will make PERFECT gifts for anyone...

i mean who wouldn't want this in their home?!

week 28

week 22

i admit it.

i've taken a couple of belly pictures.

like a couple of a lot.

it's just i've never seen my body like this + you know what?

i'm dang proud of it.

i'm proud of the growth, movement, aches + pains.

i'm loving the bigness of it, the beauty of it

+ i've honestly never felt more confident in my own skin.

i've already gained more weight than i care to share, but man,

this is a beautiful thing.

happy 22 weeks to my corn on the cob, water bottle, + american guinea pig.

we sure are doing great together.

how far along are you? 22 weeks on the dot

maternity clothes? can i just always leave this at a yes? there is no going back now. i did get some jeggings at gap though, maternity + i may or may not have worn them everyday. amazing.

sleep: a lot better since my friend nicole lent me her pregnancy pillow. amazing i tell you.

best moments: seeing my belly start to move. 

missing anything? no heartburn.

movement? yes. this little guy is doing his thing inside there. it's honestly the best?

food cravings: funny story. so i craved fries this last week. jay was in the middle of something so i got into the car at like 11:50 to go to burger king because i was wanting curly fries. i get there + all the lights are out + they are obviously closed. i started BAWLING. so hard. i walk in, tears everywhere, slam the door + waddle myself upstairs. i heard jay get on the bed + he asks me what's wrong?! i'm not getting curly friessssss jay! i'm crazy. luckily jay saved the night + grabbed me some fries from good old mcd's + that was my official middle of the night craving story!

queasy or sick? super bad heartburn. i have officially cut out sugar. this babe + sugar does not do well + though i've had very little, this last week i had some candy + really paid for it.

gender: boyyyyyyyy

symtoms: nothing much besides heartburn + kicks!

belly in or belly out? top half out, bottom half in. too funny

happy or moody? this last week has been trying, for all of us. like monday night? ohhhh monday night. even sheila stayed out of my way, but i'm getting better!

looking forward to: halloween night! even though we are doing absolutely nothing. go us.

week 22

20 weeks

 

how far along are you? i'm a day away from 21 weeks, but i'm squeezing in my half way post because why not?!

maternity clothes? besides leggings + a pair of really stretchy pants, i'm in full maternity pant wearing around here. shirts are so much easier though to pull off!

sleep: pretty regular, i am starting to struggle when i get in + out of bed now though!

best moments: hitting my halfway mark was pretty unreal. i can't believe it's half way over! i'm so excited to meet our baby, but pregnancy has been wonderful to me, i'll miss it.

missing anything? not having pain when i sneeze, that's really been hurting lately! 

movement? yes! i hope jay can feel him soon! happening right now too.

food cravings: hot tamales + french dip sandwiches, cue the dinner bell already...

queasy or sick? i got my flu shot last week + i think it had a slight affect on me so i wasn't feeling super great last week. i've also started struggling when i sleep or lay down with the feeling of trying to keep stuff down, almost like i'm going to puke. 

gender: BOY. baby boy. 

symtoms: i have to pee more than i even thought was possible for a human + those sneezes that kill.

belly in or belly out? the top part is out, bottom part in. normal? i have no idea.

happy or moody? i've definitely had my moments this week, but i'm blessed with the best + jay has been super. thanks husband for not wanting to throw my crying face out.

looking forward to: bed time. always bed time.

i want to talk about this moment.  

the moment when i realized i look as pregnant as i feel.

jay was downstairs woking on homework + i sent these to him,

captioned

dannnnnnnnggggg

ding ding, i heard his phone ring

+ a few seconds later, i hear him running up the stairs.

he climbs into bed next to me,

kisses my cheek

+ does his, rub my belly + say,

babaaaay.

not sure there is anything 

more heart melting or attractive as seeing jay love this baby that we haven't even met yet.

oh we love you SO much baby hancock.

we can't wait to meet you.

20 weeks

Week 19

how far along are you? 19 weeks - a week away from half way!

maternity clothes? well this week, i wore basically just swimsuits this entire week. BOOYAH

sleep: since hawaii is four hours behind normal time, i woke up everyday at 6:30 + went to sleep around 8 or 9. incredible. i should be a morning person more often.

best moments: hawaii. 100% hawaii. the sun, the beach, + HICCUPS. i was sitting on the beach + noticed my tummy was doing this weird thing. i lifted up my swimsuit, kept really still + there it was! the little movement i was feeling. that was the best moment, even better than hawaii + that's saying something 

missing anything? the beach. please can there be floo powder already?! *name that reference* 

movement? yes! i'm going with yes. it feel like knuckles are drumming in there.

food cravings: water + dried fruit.

queasy or sick? nothing! 

gender: BOY. baby boy. his little thing was RIGHT there + so cute.

symtoms: i have to pee more than i even thought was possible for a human.

belly in or belly out? still half in, half out.

happy or moody? oh so happy

looking forward to: getting my loads of work finished + my bed. i miss my bed all the time.

Week 19

those butterflies

today is an ultrasound day.

just typing that sentence is sending my heart into this pounding mess 

+ is taking me way too long to think out that simple sentence.

but it's not a simple sentence.

we get to see our baby today.

we think we might find out the gender today + i'm getting those butterflies.
you know, like the ones you get before a roller coaster, or getting on stage,
OR FINDING OUT WHAT WE ARE HAVING.
yep.
those kinds of butterflies.

i've been thinking a lot about what kind of mother i'll be to either a little boy or girl.

if we had a girl,
i don't know how to do hair perfectly yet,
my outfits could use more help,
+ my grace + gentleness of that kind of mother i thought i should be, is always lacking.

+ if we had boys,
i wanted to be beautiful + graceful,
 that example that they would look for in their wives,
have patience and be always loving,
+ to be a good teacher of all things.

i constantly think more about our children as teenagers, adults, with children of their own.
as a person who has been impacted by a mother.

but i did a lot of thinking last night.

i am who this child wants me to be.

i may not be perfect at hair,
but i'm really good at giving head massages.

+ i may not dress the cutest,
but i know how to get my clothes dirty with hard work,
+ with lots of play time + adventures.

i may not be graceful, but i am full of love + have lots + lots of it to give.

+ i may not be the best of all best wives, but i love my husband fiercely
+ that's something i will always show my children through example.

+ i may not know everything,
but i do know a little about a lot of things.

i'm not perfect or ready, but it's happening
+ i honestly cannot think of another way i would want it.

+ last night as i cried over this new adventure, this new "freedom,"
a new kind of selfishness,
i knew i was as ready as i was going to be.
+ i finally thought about,
baby.

not teenager, not adult, not me growing old,
but me growing something new.

i want to remember this all,
the fears, the happiness, the excitement.

for something as big as a avocado, 

it's changed me already.

those butterflies

i've been lacking.

my one of many pregnancy apps told me i was 17 weeks, 4 days today

+ for some reason, that was a really big deal.

like a go stare at my ultrasound pictures 

+ really think hard about what pregnancy was all about, 

kind of deal.

i realized i had been lacking.

i'm a journaler, a blogger, a picture and video obsessor.

i even have a job as one.

so why haven't i been meticulously, week by week, holding cute objects to my belly,

been documenting how i thought i would?

i realized i was scared maybe?

for a lot of different reasons.

number one being that i honestly didn't "connect" in the sense,

 until i saw little baby squishing around at ultrasound appointment number 2 at 10 weeks.

+ then came a different kind of fear.

when you have something really special you don't even want to loose, kind of fear.

but jay gave me a sweet blessing of comfort + while i still had the doubts,

they were quiet + didn't make their way into the front of my head.

but mainly, i didn't want to hurt.

+ i still don't want to hurt.

after being through what i've been through,

i actually worry with each post that i'll remind, i'll hurt + i'll bug.

i know the sting that can come with the beautiful words of happiness that surround new beginnings.

new beginnings that i waited for each month.

+ i want to be gentle in my words, not overly this or that.

but today, at 17 weeks, 4 days, 

lying quietly + feeling what i'm 99.9% sure to be the baby kicking,

i realized i was lacking for me.

i know that the first child is usually the most documented 

+ i feel like i'm doing him/or her a diservice ;) 

i just be obnoxious in my spaces,

but i'm going to stop being lacking.

so, here are a few photo's of our little baby hancock in the making. 

all different qualities, but all lots of love.

oh + i'm starting this thing, so cheese, so necessary.

how far along are you? 17 weeks - almost half way there!

maternity clothes? oh you betcha. i've been wearing them on + off the last few weeks.

sleep: a lot better since my friend nicole lent me her pregnancy pillow. amazing i tell you.

best moments: coming home to jay after being away for 5 days + working 

missing anything? a good burrito 

movement? yes! i'm going with yes. it feel like knuckles are drumming in there.

food cravings: burritos, but honestly nothing to go grab in the middle of the night.

queasy or sick? thankfully i'm doing so so good this week!

gender: keeping that on lock for a few more weeks, but we totally know.

symtoms: i think i almost passed out the other day + lower back pain occasionally.

belly in or belly out? making its way out, which is so funny to me!

happy or moody? happy, just tired, the usual!

looking forward to: hawaii, in a week we will be in hawaii. hello babymoon.

ps.

+ i want to remember that just about every day, jay looks at me in a special kind of way,

touches my belly + says, baby.

it's the dang cutest thing + i want that written down somewhere. 

i've been lacking.

march 3rd, 2016

i guess, it started father's day weekend.

my period hadn't started after a long weekend of working

+ even though i had been taking pregnancy tests all week that gave me negatives,

i decided in bed that night that i was going to surprise jay, 

with breakfast in bed + a positive test.

i even headed out to a store sunday morning, heart beating out of my chest the whole time,

to get another test because i'd used all of mine. 

i set the timer for 2 minutes, walked away + said a little prayer.

nothing.

no positive, no period, no exciting surprise, nothing.

i finished breakfast for jay, brought it to him in bed + cried.

i cried over negative tests, randomly missed periods, miscarriages, my body,

he heard it all that day.

the next morning i called my OBGYN's office to get seen because we had been monitoring my body for the last month + me missing a period was very uncommon.

they did a pregnancy test + again my hopes were raised,

then let down when she said she didn't get any signs.

we talked about how maybe because of how healthy i was eating at the time, no sugar + working out constantly, that it had an effect on what my body was doing.

i left the building crying.

i got home from a call + a message. 

"hey so i went to throw your test away + felt like i should check it again. there is a very slight positive + i don't want to get your hopes up, but something is there. we want you to come back in a week + we will test again. see you in a week!"

i woke up one week later + walked into that office, more nervous than ever. 

i waited for about 30 seconds when the nurse called me to the back.

"i didn't even wait a minute before coming to get you, the test was instantly pregnant! 
girlfriend, you are pregnant!"

of course i started crying. 

she knew my history + she hugged me + told me many of the nurses have been where i'm at
+ had been rooting for me. 

i just cried some more.

we scheduled in an ultrasound for that afternoon to make sure everything was looking okay so i could begin on progesterone.

but i was about 4-5 weeks tops + the doctor couldn't find anything.

we will keep an eye out for an ectopic pregnancy, he said. 

which left me with more questions than answers + directions on how to pick up progesterone.

+ so it began. it took until 7 weeks for me to really start to feel the effects of it,

but i was hit hard with nausea,
throwing up in the mornings + curled into a ball at night, 

but i never complained (+ i'm a complainer).

i would wipe my mouth, get more ice, or pop more tums + smile.

these were all good signs right?

+ i wasn't going to complain that the progesterone was doing it's job.

nope. i wasn't going to complain about the fact that i was growing my third baby. 

our ultrasound was on a monday.

i was 10 weeks along.

i asked the like 2 people that knew on sunday morning, to pray + fast for us.

i couldn't even make it through church i was so nervous.

i couldn't sleep that night either waking up at 2, 4, 5 and eventually just getting up at 6:30, immediately throwing up.

my hands were shaking on the way to our appointment

+ when they called us into that room where the last time we had an ultrasound we were told, no heartbeat, i felt sick.

i pulled my shirt up, said my 50th prayer that morning

+ there was my baby.

i'm crying typing this out, but our little niblet was right there!

squishing around, it's little stumpy arms + legs waving around.

i grabbed jay's hand + cried 

that's our baby! our baby.

tears just flowed as i watched that little thing bounce around + jay squeezed my hand harder.

i measured at 9 weeks, 4 days, putting my due date for march 3rd, 2016.

i cannot tell you how many times i've stared at my ultrasound,

cries always catching in the back of my throat,

+ my eye's watering.

it's making it all worth it.

the pain, the sorrow, losses of futures,

this little niblet of ours, that jumped + flipped + moved, is making it all worth it.

we've named her, or him a hundred times.

i've prayed more than that too.

the anxiety + the fear isn't gone.

it's replaced sadness + pain though.

+ at least 10 times a day i whisper to myself,

my baby is healthy, safe + alive.

i'm 12 weeks.

i can't believe it. 

i really can't.

+ i hope that everything just continues as it is, healthy, safe + alive.

next week will be my last round of progesterone.

man, am i grateful for modern medicine.

without it, i don't think i would be able to hold onto this pregnancy 

+ i try to pray thanks for that everyday.

my belly is there.

my heart is full

+ jay + i are so very happy.

ps. here is how i told jay our first time, i'm so naive + look so different in the eyes, but i think it's worth the share, how almost to the year, we starting expanding our family.

pps. here is our announcement, it's how we told our family.
huge thank you to Nicole Maxfield for taking our pictures + video,
check out her work here at Cole Maxfield Photography

pss. here are our darling pictures that she took of us too. we just love her + her skills.

march 3rd, 2016