Thanksgiving

it was a wonderful week filled with SO much food, SO much laugher + SO much garbage.

seriously though--with 28 people in the house at one time...i've never seen us fill so many bags ;) 

but really, you know it's a part when you have to fill the neighbors trash cans to the brim...secretly of course.

i really didn't take a lot of pictures of thanksgiving.

i found myself laughing way too much + realizing ah! 

i should've gotten that!

but looking back now, i think i got what was most important + didn't get lost behind my lens,

which in turn causes me to really miss out on the real moment.

so i hope your thanksgiving was wonderful.

i loved having basically everyone together, minus chris,

for such a good holiday....

it's even making being sick at 6 months pregnant almost worth it.

one of my very favorite traditions we have started at thanksgiving is the white elephant exchange + loaded questions.

honestly i can't remember laughing that hard for a looooong time + i got the braxton hicks to prove it.

the gifts were so on point + i personally thought mine was hilarious...

i got live goldfish!

how are those doing julia?!

i love seeing what everyone comes up with

+ who get's what.

+ last but not least is the gingerbread man/woman decorating.

jennifer is such a good grandma + i love how involved she is with them.

there were more spilled sprinkles then should be allowed,

but i know the kids loved putting as much sugar as they possibly could on a little cookie.

let's be honest, 

i'd be doing the same.

such a good break from like, those five days.

so grateful for family, 

especially mine + how loving + awesome the hancock gang is...sickness + all.

ps. here we all are...minus chris!

aren't we awesome?

so good looking.

sweet brodey got baptized saturday + it was so awesome all being there for it.

Thanksgiving

out of nowhere, unstoppable.

it came totally unexpected.

this moment, this sadness, this crying that i haven't cried since before christmas.

i knew it would eventually come, the pain of sorrow that comes after loss.

the loss of a beginning, the loss of a miscarriage.

december 2nd, jay + i went into our first ultrasound to find there was no more heartbeat,

no baby, no more beginning. + on december 4th, i went in for a d+c.

of course i had cried, of course i was sad,

nothing will compare to that cry in my kitchen after learning we miscarried

 that left me with no more tears,

no more cries that sounded like animal noises,

just jay + i clinging on to each other.

but i had s u c h a support system during the whole process, 

i felt like the lucky one who had a trial,

+ made it past it with a few bump + bruises,

 extra padding + advice to give to others who felt what i felt.

christmas was different, it was when we planned to tell our families

so it came + passed with a sting, but no real sorrow.

new year goals centered around health, love + new beginnings, but again,

i was fine, i was okay.

but today it came totally unexpected,

this moment, this sadness, this crying that i knew it would eventually come, 

the pain of sorrow that comes after loss.

the loss of a beginning, the loss of a miscarriage.

how do we honor our losses + the fact that life doesn't always make much sense?

especially when the topic of miscarriage is hushed, not talked about 

+ has the stigma of feelings of failure.

take a look around you.

chances are, if you're sitting in a room with four women,

one of them has or will have a miscarriage.

i get to be one of the lucky ones of that sad statistic

but, since having my cry, since having my moment, i realized,

this is what i wanted when i told jay after finding out about a friends miscarriage.

i want to feel the joy of motherhood, or the pain of a miscarriage,

 but either way, i wanted to feel it + i wanted to start trying.

i realize that may sound strange or if you believe in fate, a curse on what i wanted, but i think that having this miscarriage change me for the better.

i finally want to be a mother.

i had a small taste of it for about 8 weeks.

the excitement, the already consuming love that surrounds the joy + the pain.

hearing jay say in our prayers,

please please bless our little baby that it will grow healthy + strong

will be something i'll always remember + never forget.

+ this miscarriage will be another egg in my basket, 

another experience to add to my life that i'll be able to share with others,

to help them through their pain or fears,

because let me tell you,

trying/being/loosing pregnancy is hard, 

but oh so so worth it.

who am i? 

i know almost nothing of it,

but what i do know is that any + all of it is worth it,

the pain or a miscarriage or the joy of a pregnancy,

it will be worth it.

a friend of mine posted a picture of me with this quote today:

"she was unstoppable. not because she did not have failures or doubts.

but because she continued on despite them."

-beau taplin

+ it was exactly what i needed in this minute, that quote.

because i am unstoppable, not because of my sorrows, pain or doubts, 

but because i continue on, because i learn + because i grow 

+ when my time comes to be a mother happens,

again, i'll be unstoppable, i'll continue on.

check out whitney's work here

out of nowhere, unstoppable.

a bonfire bigger than your house

so we've all had those H U G E bonfires that are so fun, so awesome.

everyone remembers them because they are always way too hot, too big for s'mores

+ really good for good laughs, cookies + memories.

i've had some good bonfires, who hasn't?

but this new years TOPPED all my bonfires combined

(good work ben)

we went out to my sister + brother-in-laws house for new years + before it got too dark, we all went out to play some football + start up dinner.

i'm SO glad that i got a picture of this setup before it was dark.

take a look at those boards. those are fences that held this beast up

+ inside was more wood, christmas tree's + an old mattress. 

we finished up our homemade j-dawgs (YUM)

+ once it got dark, we started up the fire.

this thing was huge. 

i'm telling you, i've never ever seen a fire this big.

the heat was so hot, we all had to stand back 10-15 feet or so,

then as it got bigger, + we started getting a little nervous,

my brother-in-law ben pulls out a garden hose + starts "watering" the fire.

YOU GUYS. i was laughing so hard because

a. i really do laugh when i'm really nervous + because of the hight of the fire + it's intensity,

the embers were floating into the trees, the power lines, across the street, it was getting pretty scary

b. everyone started backing away, putting distance between them + the "trouble"

c. + lastly, ben is over there playing fireman with a little hose. like, ben, it was the size of a major house fire, with flames hurtling themselves out the top, what were you going to do, really. hahaha

i'm smiling just thinking about how lucky we were nothing happened ;)

+ i guess i should mention that we were in the middle of country, it was safeish, just sketchy.

this thing lasted for hours + every 30 mins we moved in a few inches, loving the heat on a cold night  + enjoying good company.

we almost didn't even smell like smoke because of how far away everyone stood from the flames ;)

i was pretty bummed about how lame i was that night though.

i feel asleep at 11:47. 

like who the heck does that on new years eve!?

especially when THIS GIRL has the hardest time falling asleep + usually 12 is early for bedtime.

oh well, hello grandma.

all + all though it was a good night.

happy new years in min-january ;)

ps. jay served his mission in montana + for a large chunk of his time there he spent on an indian reservation.

i was lucky enough to snag a few pics of him chanting around the fire + showing us how the natives would do it. 

his voice was crazy cool too, making all the indian sounds.

also, i loved this picture so much, i couldn't decide in color or black + white so enjoy two of this crazy boy of mine 

a bonfire bigger than your house

general conference weekend

i love general conference, especially in the fall.

it's cozy + always welcomed in with the yummiest of breakfasts.

this general conference was no different, but we got to spend it with the jensens!

they just bought a beautiful home in Shelley + we came saturday night to spent the night.

i woke up to little girls trying to snuggle into bed with us,

whispering do you think they are up yet?!

in between sessions, an impromptu football game started up

+ of course the boys put on their gear.

the perfect fall weather,

comfort food,

family

+ lots of laughter made for the perfect sunday conference.

it's always so refreshing to hear from our prophet + elect men.

i'm grateful for my faith, the closeness of this day.

+ this day was another reminder how great family really is.

my husband is always the sweetest with the grandkids, but my heart always is happy 

when i see him playing with the little ones.

multiple times i've caught him snuggling, play doll house or just talking with these girls.

it really is the sweetest thing.

thank you jensens for this beautiful fall day,

we sure love spending it with you. 

ps...isn't this girl just a HAM.

general conference weekend

goodbye nathan

again, this week that i was in california was THE perfect week to be home for so many reasons

+ this was probably the biggest reason.

my brother left for a two year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

he reported October 1st in Provo, but he will be leaving next week for the Denver North Mission!

nathan got his call s u p e r fast.

it was like someone knew that he needed that. 

proud of this kid + i'm very excited to see his growth.

missions change these boys for the better,

giving them the right opportunity to mature, better themselves + selflessly serve 

for two years.

he is also the first son in our family to leave.

as he was getting set apart as a mish, i love what the stake president had to say:

"you prep them their whole lives, yet when the time comes, we are sad."

i laughed because that's true, but it's not a sad sad.

more like a i'm really proud of you, but we'll miss you, sad.

bye bye Elder Fisher! we sure love ya!

ps. here is a video of him taking off!

goodbye nathan

THE apple hill

everyone has THEIR fall time traditions + i'm sure yours are all very wonderful, but let me take a second to talk about a northern California tradition for fall.

apple hill.

apple hill is the most wonderful of wonderful fall traditions.

imagine a place FULL of apple orchards, pumpkin patches, vineyards, + pine trees

with wonderful mom+pop farms every other address

+ in those wonderful shops are everything apple/fall time you could ever possibly want.

THIS IS A REAL PLACE 

+ it's called apple hill.

as long as i remember my family has always gone here for buckets of apples, pies + cider every october + i haven't been able to go to this magical place for 4 years.

unfortunately jay wasn't able to make this years trip,

(i was back in CA for a job that happened to fall on this very amazing weekend)

 + it was my brothers last day before he left on his mission,

+ it was totally last minute,

but it was amazing.

we found this NEW place. the donuts here were to d i e for. 

let me just post a lil photo here 

that's an apple pumpkin spice donut with the donut crumbled ON TOP.

even though i REALLY missed my hubs being here to enjoy this day,

it was so nice to get up into the hills for a family tradition.

this place holds many dear memories for me,

i think our family has at least 5 christmas family photos taken here.

don't you love these kind of places?

they will always be filled with lots of family memories + yummy yummy food.

how do YOU celebrate fall?!

ps. if you want to know anything about me + photo's, i secretly l o v e jumping photos....these didn't really turn out ;)

HAPPY FALL.

THE apple hill