do people still read blogs?
who knows, but it's always felt good to me to sit down at
a keyboard + just write.
it's always felt better once i typed it all out, listening to some music,
+ see that my thoughts sorta did make some sense.
i've been 11:38 thinking a lot lately.
like mind always goin, always thinkin + i'm not going to lie,
it's been kinda lonely.
i graduated college in the summer of 2014 in a town populated by college students
+ lower budget mindsets + thought, i've got this.
+ i feel like i've taken on my challenges living in a small town,
away from a lot of activity in my field, with pride.
but as april, aka real life, approaches,
i'm quickly realizing i'm about to take on another pond, with another set of challenges +
i'm scared, + i'm lonely.
i feel so much responsibility sometimes + it keeps me up at night.
i'm just camilla.
you know? i'm just me.
i get this voice that keeps me up, keeps me nervous,
that tells me i'm not good enough.
that in one thought process it tells me i don't have enough plans
+ in the next it tells me i think too much.
i struggle a lot with overthinking
+ i feel alone in that.
am i?
i can't be, but i watch my friends in envy,
i sometimes imaging a simpler life for them,
one that doesn't involve a voice that tears them down.
gosh there are so many strong, yet seemingly uncomplicated women around me
+ i'm jealous that i have an over active mind that feels like it's robbing me from
some inner peace + strength especially involving motherhood
+ i'm lonely with those thoughts.
am i the only one that struggles remembering her grocery list one thought,
+ what 8th grade for her son will be like, in another?
i can't be.
i need to know that i'm not alone.
i'm not alone in the responsibility of a home, a business + raising a baby.
that i'm not the only who thinks a little too hard, + a little too much.
it's 12:01 now + i want to know,
am i alone in being lonely with your own thoughts?
so i guess there isn't closure here for sure,
but it's 12:01 right now + i'm feeling a little better.
thanks keyboard, thanks sappy music.
Not one bit alone. I know those feelings all too well. And I know you will do just great at overcoming those worrisome thoughts and not feeling good enough. But it's always gonna be something. The transition you're going through will be a huge adjustment especially going to cali which I'm sure you know. But just when you feel like you're getting comfortable and acclimated to this new life something else is gonna pop up outta nowhere. As long as you keep your fun attitude excited about life and the newness of what's to come and loving your life in the moment you're in it you'll be just fine ���� You got this girl. There's always new mommas(and experienced) feeling those same feelings so don't hesitate to reach out, you're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not alone. I think way too much about everything. Like, obsessively sometimes. My husband has to apply for residency programs the end of this year (he graduates from med school next May) and I'm freaking out about it. I have extensively researched different residency programs, where they are located, what neighborhoods are like in those cities, etc. I'm worried I'm overlooking important details, yet I'm also worried I'm planning/thinking too much. It's scary thinking about entering the phase of full fledged career, buying a house, and settling into our adult lives. But literally everybody does it somehow. I don't have any answers for calming down a mind that overthinks, but I can tell you that you're 100% not alone.
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