i've been lacking.

my one of many pregnancy apps told me i was 17 weeks, 4 days today

+ for some reason, that was a really big deal.

like a go stare at my ultrasound pictures 

+ really think hard about what pregnancy was all about, 

kind of deal.

i realized i had been lacking.

i'm a journaler, a blogger, a picture and video obsessor.

i even have a job as one.

so why haven't i been meticulously, week by week, holding cute objects to my belly,

been documenting how i thought i would?

i realized i was scared maybe?

for a lot of different reasons.

number one being that i honestly didn't "connect" in the sense,

 until i saw little baby squishing around at ultrasound appointment number 2 at 10 weeks.

+ then came a different kind of fear.

when you have something really special you don't even want to loose, kind of fear.

but jay gave me a sweet blessing of comfort + while i still had the doubts,

they were quiet + didn't make their way into the front of my head.

but mainly, i didn't want to hurt.

+ i still don't want to hurt.

after being through what i've been through,

i actually worry with each post that i'll remind, i'll hurt + i'll bug.

i know the sting that can come with the beautiful words of happiness that surround new beginnings.

new beginnings that i waited for each month.

+ i want to be gentle in my words, not overly this or that.

but today, at 17 weeks, 4 days, 

lying quietly + feeling what i'm 99.9% sure to be the baby kicking,

i realized i was lacking for me.

i know that the first child is usually the most documented 

+ i feel like i'm doing him/or her a diservice ;) 

i just be obnoxious in my spaces,

but i'm going to stop being lacking.

so, here are a few photo's of our little baby hancock in the making. 

all different qualities, but all lots of love.

oh + i'm starting this thing, so cheese, so necessary.

how far along are you? 17 weeks - almost half way there!

maternity clothes? oh you betcha. i've been wearing them on + off the last few weeks.

sleep: a lot better since my friend nicole lent me her pregnancy pillow. amazing i tell you.

best moments: coming home to jay after being away for 5 days + working 

missing anything? a good burrito 

movement? yes! i'm going with yes. it feel like knuckles are drumming in there.

food cravings: burritos, but honestly nothing to go grab in the middle of the night.

queasy or sick? thankfully i'm doing so so good this week!

gender: keeping that on lock for a few more weeks, but we totally know.

symtoms: i think i almost passed out the other day + lower back pain occasionally.

belly in or belly out? making its way out, which is so funny to me!

happy or moody? happy, just tired, the usual!

looking forward to: hawaii, in a week we will be in hawaii. hello babymoon.

ps.

+ i want to remember that just about every day, jay looks at me in a special kind of way,

touches my belly + says, baby.

it's the dang cutest thing + i want that written down somewhere. 

i've been lacking.