march 3rd, 2016

i guess, it started father's day weekend.

my period hadn't started after a long weekend of working

+ even though i had been taking pregnancy tests all week that gave me negatives,

i decided in bed that night that i was going to surprise jay, 

with breakfast in bed + a positive test.

i even headed out to a store sunday morning, heart beating out of my chest the whole time,

to get another test because i'd used all of mine. 

i set the timer for 2 minutes, walked away + said a little prayer.

nothing.

no positive, no period, no exciting surprise, nothing.

i finished breakfast for jay, brought it to him in bed + cried.

i cried over negative tests, randomly missed periods, miscarriages, my body,

he heard it all that day.

the next morning i called my OBGYN's office to get seen because we had been monitoring my body for the last month + me missing a period was very uncommon.

they did a pregnancy test + again my hopes were raised,

then let down when she said she didn't get any signs.

we talked about how maybe because of how healthy i was eating at the time, no sugar + working out constantly, that it had an effect on what my body was doing.

i left the building crying.

i got home from a call + a message. 

"hey so i went to throw your test away + felt like i should check it again. there is a very slight positive + i don't want to get your hopes up, but something is there. we want you to come back in a week + we will test again. see you in a week!"

i woke up one week later + walked into that office, more nervous than ever. 

i waited for about 30 seconds when the nurse called me to the back.

"i didn't even wait a minute before coming to get you, the test was instantly pregnant! 
girlfriend, you are pregnant!"

of course i started crying. 

she knew my history + she hugged me + told me many of the nurses have been where i'm at
+ had been rooting for me. 

i just cried some more.

we scheduled in an ultrasound for that afternoon to make sure everything was looking okay so i could begin on progesterone.

but i was about 4-5 weeks tops + the doctor couldn't find anything.

we will keep an eye out for an ectopic pregnancy, he said. 

which left me with more questions than answers + directions on how to pick up progesterone.

+ so it began. it took until 7 weeks for me to really start to feel the effects of it,

but i was hit hard with nausea,
throwing up in the mornings + curled into a ball at night, 

but i never complained (+ i'm a complainer).

i would wipe my mouth, get more ice, or pop more tums + smile.

these were all good signs right?

+ i wasn't going to complain that the progesterone was doing it's job.

nope. i wasn't going to complain about the fact that i was growing my third baby. 

our ultrasound was on a monday.

i was 10 weeks along.

i asked the like 2 people that knew on sunday morning, to pray + fast for us.

i couldn't even make it through church i was so nervous.

i couldn't sleep that night either waking up at 2, 4, 5 and eventually just getting up at 6:30, immediately throwing up.

my hands were shaking on the way to our appointment

+ when they called us into that room where the last time we had an ultrasound we were told, no heartbeat, i felt sick.

i pulled my shirt up, said my 50th prayer that morning

+ there was my baby.

i'm crying typing this out, but our little niblet was right there!

squishing around, it's little stumpy arms + legs waving around.

i grabbed jay's hand + cried 

that's our baby! our baby.

tears just flowed as i watched that little thing bounce around + jay squeezed my hand harder.

i measured at 9 weeks, 4 days, putting my due date for march 3rd, 2016.

i cannot tell you how many times i've stared at my ultrasound,

cries always catching in the back of my throat,

+ my eye's watering.

it's making it all worth it.

the pain, the sorrow, losses of futures,

this little niblet of ours, that jumped + flipped + moved, is making it all worth it.

we've named her, or him a hundred times.

i've prayed more than that too.

the anxiety + the fear isn't gone.

it's replaced sadness + pain though.

+ at least 10 times a day i whisper to myself,

my baby is healthy, safe + alive.

i'm 12 weeks.

i can't believe it. 

i really can't.

+ i hope that everything just continues as it is, healthy, safe + alive.

next week will be my last round of progesterone.

man, am i grateful for modern medicine.

without it, i don't think i would be able to hold onto this pregnancy 

+ i try to pray thanks for that everyday.

my belly is there.

my heart is full

+ jay + i are so very happy.

ps. here is how i told jay our first time, i'm so naive + look so different in the eyes, but i think it's worth the share, how almost to the year, we starting expanding our family.

pps. here is our announcement, it's how we told our family.
huge thank you to Nicole Maxfield for taking our pictures + video,
check out her work here at Cole Maxfield Photography

pss. here are our darling pictures that she took of us too. we just love her + her skills.

march 3rd, 2016