self-portrait

welcome to the new year. it's 2014. 

this is the year that i will be 

graduating from college,

i'm going to be a bridesmaid many times this year

filming weddings, filming memories,

learning, growing, 

winter, spring, fall + winter, 

road trips to oregon this summer,

+ graduation...i said that already didn't i?

this year is already looking up + it's 2.30 pm into it.

but there is something that crept into 2013.

something that has carried into the new year.

 that something should be left behind.

i've got this thing about being in front of a camera lately.

i'm very self-conscious lately.

it's funny because i really like being behind a camera,

i like making other people look like they are having a good time,

or enjoying a moment, 

but lately, i'm deleting every picture of myself that doesn't include my jay.

because when i'm alone in that picture, i pick myself apart.

i look at those pictures of me + call myself names

that i wouldn't let a stranger call another person.

 i'm covering myself in baggy clothes 

+ yoga pants,

looking at others + wishing for something else on me.

wrong isn't it?

it's times like this when i look into myself + realize that it's not my outside that is the biggest problem.

it's my insides.

i comparing + degrading + judging myself.

i'm embarrassed of myself.

wrong, isn't it?

2014 will be a wonderful year. 

each year that i'm alive and kicking it, is a wonderful year.

but 2014 will be a self-portrait year.

2014 will be the year that i will stop degrading + change that thought process.

my body is my body.

i choose to change it for the good or for the bad.

but i'll never be good enough for myself until i change how i think about myself.

2014 will be the year that i will think positively about myself.

i will be comfortable in front of the camera + learn to love myself, 

just as i find the compassion to love others.

here is january's self-portrait. 

it's my first steps. 

i know, i put some dogs in there, 

but something always seems to help complete me,

+ this month started off with some stinky dogs that love me 

even if i've got a round face and crooked teeth.

plus, i've got a wonderful husband who constantly

compliments me, tells me i'm amazing

+ supports me in everything that i 

wish, dream + do.

i'm lucky beyond belief. 

that's the wonderful thing about new years,

time to start fresh, start new.

welcome 2014. welcome.

self-portrait