you're doing just fine mama.

you're doing just fine, mama.

a friend told me this a few weeks ago

+ i couldn't stop thinking about those words, "doing just fine, mama."

when eli was around 6 weeks, 

i really struggled with who i was, who i was becoming

 + who i was about to be.

i had taken on the role of mother.

i was this marshmallow of a woman now who visited the pediatricians 

more times that i feel inclined to share,

i was confused, i was tired + i questioned my role as a wife + mother.

remember the post about eli + devotional? 

remember how i tried to play that off as a life lesson?

oh, it was a life lesson on what the h have i gotten myself into + there's no way i can do more.

i was asking advice on every mama group i was apart of + it seemed like everyone had these perfect babies who slept through the nights + didn't ever scream, oh they just "complained" + fell asleep in their rock n plays + didn't comprehend the dreaded witching hour.

i felt like what i had to give to eli?

it wasn't enough.

i felt tired, like this is my new forever + what have i gotten myself into...

but the thing is? it changes.

before i knew it, eli was smiling, he was growing into this personality + i realized,

i was doing just fine mama.

those early struggles? when i was just in survival mode?

were just a moment, a very intense moment, but a moment never the less.

i was doing just fine.

maybe no one takes anything from this, 

maybe i just needed to remind myself that i am enough for a little boy named eli 

+ a husband named jay.

that my newly acquired body defines + doesn't define me.

i needed to know at 6 weeks + earlier, that i was doing alright, 

but no one could convince me of that except myself.

i'm pretty proud of myself now.

i like who i am as a mother.

i also like myself as a wife, friend + daughter.

i mean, i've got my rough days for sure.

eli doesn't take naps, i step in dog puke first thing in the morning,

but i'm doing alright.

i still look 4 months pregnant, 

but hey, i'm doing alright ;)

i've stopped comparing my motherhood, my child, my nights to others 

+ it's been a million times better.

if we tell ourselves that everyone is different, everyone is unique, then shouldn't babies be the same?

maybe that's a huge d-u-h, but i think mama's forget that.

that babies aren't going to be the same + that's okay!

that our nights won't all be perfect, but maybe our baby started smiling at four weeks.

that our baby cluster fed for 6 weeks straight, still eats about every 1.5, but that i'm grateful i can nurse my baby, have that connection with him + enjoy those after feeding snuggles.

or that our 6-8's were the evenings from h e l l, but that the 6-9 in the mornings were straight from are heaven.

(let's also give a huge thank you to eli for starting to chill out during that time, 

our evenings are become much more enjoyable.)

this motherhood thing? this raising babies thing? it's not just for the babies.

it's for me too.

i'm learning so much + i wouldn't want to learn it in any other way.

it's powerful, emotional + is teaching me to be a better camilla.

i keep this blog for myself, i know i can ramble, but sometimes i've got this idea in my head + tonight i felt like i needed to remind myself that i'm doing just fine mama + honestly? 

so are you.

you're doing just fine mama.