today was rough.
i woke you up from a nap, crammed you into a carseat + expected you to be chill.
i expected you to act a certain way because i wanted it.
+ when you screamed your way out of that devotional + screamed your way through the next hour, that was tough.
your screams echoed off the bathroom walls, the building walls, you weren't quiet.
students walked past us, some with eyes of sympathy, others walked past us with annoyance.
+ i felt reduced to a boob.
last time i was on this campus, i was a student, i was in charge of my surroundings, i had control.
now i was that woman,
the woman with a baby, a screaming one at that
+i'm not going to lie--that was rough for me.
6 weeks.
we've been together for 6 weeks.
i never felt more vulnerable, more inadequate.
i really thought i'd be better at being your mom.
heck--i wanted this so long, why would i be perfect at it?
i've compared you, i've compared myself.
i've cried with you, i've cried at you.
i've questioned who i am because i haven't felt good enough.
+ that's not helping me be your best mom.
being a parent is a lot of work.
it's not like the kind of work that ends though.
it's an all consuming, kind of work.
but tonight, while nursing you, i realized something.
being a parent isn't just "work."
it's a lifestyle.
it's a change, a real life style change that takes work, but it's not work.
i've created a life,
now i'm molding it, i'm sustaining it.
i'm a mother now + that's a literal role that i've taken on
+ my life will never be the same because of it.
i looked at your features tonight while nursing + wrote this:
i am good enough.
+ i am.
i created life.
bringing life into this world is nothing less than a miracle.
every week, the tiny + seemingly insignificant changes that occur leave me in awe at what our bodies are capable of, in + out of the womb.
you started smiling at us at four weeks.
you love to place your hand on me when we nurse.
+ you love when i sing to you.
you stretch SO big in the morning + that gets me through these rough days.
i guess this jumbled blogpost is to remind you, camilla,
that you are good enough.
that i am a good mom, even with these feelings of inadequacy.
i'm cool to to say that to myself...right ;)
i made you, but you made me, a mother.
+ because we've made a beautiful baby,
a baby that needs to be held constantly,
i was reminded that eli is a beautiful baby
+ he is MY baby.
my days are our days, no one else's,
+ it's not fair to him...but especially me, to compare them.
i'm robbing myself of these moments, these memories that some day i'll laugh at, yearn for again.
so tonight, while i should be cleaning, or sleeping,
i'm reminding myself that i'm good enough, screaming baby + all.
because eli isn't defined by one day...
+ neither am i.
ps, for some comic relief from this seemingly depressing post,
i found poop on our celling yesterday.
how it got there? i haven't the slightest clue.
but we literally have poop hitting the fan these days + i'm just going to roll with it.
also, how does one clean poop from the celling...asking for a friend....
i mean, seriously, he is SUCH a beautiful baby.
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