self-portrait

i'm strong.

i'm happy.

i'm content. 

this post was originally about how i need people.

seriously, this post was already written,

how i get lonely being alone

 + how i was going to handle being in rexburg, graduated, working from home.

but you know what?

i'm doing just fine

+ because i'm doing just fine,

i've realized something.

i'm strong.

i'm happy.

i'm content.

is this post emo enough for ya ;)

but seriously.

i own my own business,

i take my dog for a run everyday totally feeling my music.

+ i feel that i started my self-portraits to become a better person,

not to focus on how hard it can be.

but how good i can be.

so ladies, work it.

the home aloners,

the at schoolers,

the mamma's,

the *bread makers* for us, our families, our hubby's,

 the any kind of woman,

you got this.

because in the end,

i choose how i feel about my day.

+ today is going to be a great day at the hancock household.

self-portrait

self-portrait

it's starting to hit me that i g r a d u a t e from this school in 7 days.

7 days is all i have left as a college student

+ as much as i thought i was SO ready to leave this school,

i realize,

i'm not.

i'm not old enough to be a graduate,

not mature enough to have a degree,

+ yet, i am.

i've had a count down, metal + physical countdown

for next wednesday.

i've been asking myself, did i take this experience for granted?

did i wish for it all to end to quickly?

i remember the countdown for college,

the packing, the moving, the excitement.

it ends just like it begins.

i've realized i've experienced some of my lasts here already.

the last time struggling to get any classes with any of the teachers i wanted,

the last lunches at the crossroads buying their ridiculously, overpriced food,

the last sammy block parties,

the last of the group projects (won't miss that one),

the last time i'll have to listen to someone start a discussion off with,

well, on my mission,

the sunsets,

the last, it's another great day to be on this beautiful campus- president clark

i know some day we will miss these experiences, the good times.

i'm jealous of my younger friends that their college years are just beginning.

+ while i'll be throwing my cap in the air, for the younger students, this is a reminder that

 the years ahead of you, you shouldn't waste + for the seniors to enjoy the most out of the few months 

(or days) we have left in college.

5 reasons to not take college for granted. 

1. going out during the week.

there really won't be another time in our lives where we can just stay out + up 

until 2 am on a tuesday night. in college, there is an excuse for free food + a dance party for every night of the week. in real life, the weekends don't start on thursday. go out on that tuesday, 

just because you can.

2. roommates.

never again will it be socially acceptable to have a hammock hanging off your porch and rail guard, christmas lights up all year round + letting someone else clean your dishes. more importantly, having roommates (IF they're good ones) is the best. i don't know about you, but i met some of my closest, lifelong friends in the dorms, north gate + nauvoo apartments + living with my best friends 24/7 was pretty great. appreciate those days or nights when it's a good idea to watch that tv show from 2 in the afternoon till 4 in the morning eating nothing but oreos and hot cheetos. appreciate the laughter, the memories, the pranks, the good times.

   3. sleeping in...heck sleeping thru class...

the real world won't be cool with that. 

you'll work 9-5 or longer. 

sleep longer + enjoy it all.

4. being able to walk to your friends houses, let alone living in the same city.

this is probably the one that gets me most.

jay + i just moved 2 minutes away from some of our closest friends + that already killed me.

most likely, within a few years of graduating, all your college buddies will be everywhere + anywhere across the state/country/globe.

you won't be able to walk over to their house real fastly because you're bored.

5. the parties.

there will be parties after college, of course, but they won't be parties that you can find your outfit in your underwear draw or the local D.I, the parties just won't be the same (aka you will have to behave with some sort of adult dignity).

+ what other time in your life can you leave one party, walk a block,

+ be at another?

6. the spirit of rexburg

whoa, i pulled another on you, the cliche, spirit of ricks, one on you.

but you should know that this feeling? 

the positive vibes?

those won't be welcoming your monday's after you graduate.

the professors, the dean's, the T.A.s,

those will all be gone.

along with all the fun experiences college brings you, the reason you are here is to learn.

this school will help you grown, learn + find yourself.

if you aren't enjoying + making the most out of college, change that.

many times i myself have called rexburg a bubble,

but in this bubble has been my world 

+ i've loved it for all that's inside it.

while this bubble has given me an education, 

it's given me freedom.

this has been my freedom.

this has been my experience.

oh + you'll really like it here

self-portrait

self-portrait

i thought a lot about what i should do for this months self-portrait.

with weddings, falling through roofs (i should write about that), packing/unpacking, starting school,

i've felt so tired just thinking about pictures.

being thursday, i thought it appropriate to do a "throw back thursday" 

on the first thursday of my last semester of college.

these pictures were actually my high school senior pictures.

since starting school this past monday, 

i've reflected a lot on the past + my senior year.

i was accepted to byu-idaho, graduating with some of my closest friends, + 

SO ready to move on to bigger + better things.

i was so ready to move onto the next step in life.

now this post isn't about how much i miss high school.

nope.

but this is about moving onto the next step.

right now, i'm constantly saying that i can't wait until i graduate. 

right now i'm so over school. but am i really?

when i walk across that stage i know i will feel that familiar pang of change. 

that knowledge that life is moving on.

i found a quote that i really loved on pintrest today.

stop waiting for

      friday

for summer

for someone to fall in love with you,

for life.

happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it + make the most of the moments you're in now.

i don't have regrets about moving through my past into my future.

i just have moments where i wished i realized i was in the good 'ld times

before i left those good old times.

i started noticing that i would say things like,

'i can't wait till...

or i wish i was here or there.'

+ it brings you a sort of unhappiness. 

all these times of me 'wishing' for a future times,

was causing me to pass up on the present times.

i was passing + wishing away my good old times.

i think we all might be a little happier if we stopped wishing for a different time,

enjoying what time we have now.

as i move forward from college,

i realize different times, probably better times, are ahead.

a career, 

children (whoa what?!), 

+ who knows what else my life hold from here to now.

but by knowing that i need to stop wishing for another time, i'm forcing myself to either

like how things are, or change them.

because what i have + make of now, is really what my future will bring.

so bring it on future, i'll be seein ya.

until then, hello present, i'm lovin ya.

ps. remember when these were in style? or was i the only one that thought these glasses where the bee's knees?

self-portrait

self-portrait

'there is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself;

comfortable in her perfect imperfection. to me, that is the true essence of beauty.'

-steve marabol

sometimes i feel like a kid in a grown ups body.

i feel things deeply, i remember everything.

one day i'm silly, the next i'm serious.

some days i want to explore the world, 

other days all i want to do is curl up in bed....

all day.

i'm almost 22...in just a few weeks in fact, 

+ the struggle of who i really am is a real thing.

am i really old enough to be months away from finishing school?

i suppose i am.

when i was a kid, i really don't remember ever knowing what i wanted to be when i grew up.

i can't even remember writing who i wanted to be

i mean, couldn't i be everything i wanted to be between now + then?

when i first stepped on to byu-idaho, i thought i had it figured out.

i was going to be a kindergarden teacher.

i felt like that was where i would best fit in.

surrounded by children who understood that their opportunities were endless.

that choice changed though.

i realized i wanted something else.

communication major it was

+ that emphasis evolved from journalism to broadcasting to video productions.

i am so happy with my choice. 

but again, it's not my final choice.

i'm far from grown up.

i am guessing i won't feel truly 'grown up' until i feel 'grown up'

+ who knows when that will happen.

i longboard.

i sing.

i take pictures.

i create videos.

i love animals.

but i'm not the absolute best at any of those things.

every single day, i see another whose talent far exceeds my own

+ i'm slowly but surely becoming okay with not being perfect at everything.

or even becoming perfect at one thing.

i'm not a perfectionist.

ask my mother.

but i am content with being me.

are you happy with who you are?

if yes, then there is nothing to worry about.

at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is what you think.

if you are okay with you + you've done the best in whatever it is,

you should be quite content.

because like that steve guy said,

'there is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself;

comfortable in her perfect imperfection. to me, that is the true essence of beauty.'

self-portrait

self-portrait

i thought about a lot what i would do for this month.

pintrest was an over flow of amazing idea's

that i was dying to try.

but then i walked into the play room in all it's loneliness

+ thought, it's perfect.

that window with all it's beautiful light,

it would do it.

february is a favorite month of mine.

it's right after january, which is basically the monday of the year.

it's a month filled with some of my favorite candy,

+ the message of the month is love.

love love love.

i've always been in love with the idea of love.

but love is so much more than love.

love is a movement, a memory, a thought, a life-time,

love is in all of our lives.

love is given + love is taken.

+ february is the perfect time to remember that.

i'm not always exactly sure who i am,
i sometimes lack major confident in what i do or what i make,
which is funny, because i consider myself a
outspoken, very passionate, kinda person.
but when my own voices in my head tell me i'm not good enough...
suddenly i'm not good enough.

whether you know this or not, in high school,
three out of the four years, i was in a cast, crutches, wheelchair, surgery, physical therapy,
you name it.
i realized health brings freedom, health is happiness that i didn't realize until i
couldn't walk or write or take a shower without something covering a cast,
that i would give anything to run until my lungs burned.
the size of my thighs or my chubby fingers wouldn't matter.
i would be healthy + alive + therefore, i would be perfect.

bodies are amazing. they allow you to brighten a room with a smile +
infect everyone with a laugh.
it gives you arms to wrap around your loved ones + squeeze them until they giggle.
every moment that i spend worrying about my "imperfections" is a moment wasted,
something precious that i will never get back.

old habits die hard, i can't say that i've stopped nitpicking myself,
no matter how well i think i'm doing.
while i wish i didn't have to be so mean to myself, i'm starting to think that maybe a little
*+ i mean little*
bit of tough love isn't always a bad thing. i'm turning it around +
making myself challenge + push myself to do better + better
because at the end of the day, i really do believe in myself.
i generally like myself + i bet that most women, in spite of all their insecurities,
feel the same way.

ps. don't you love how well timed this picture is...not.

self-portrait